New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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