I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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