my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
