um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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