Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
