And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Randomize
