So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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