my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
