I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
