More tranny stories later!
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
