while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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