What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
