I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
