you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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