insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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