we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
