I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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