i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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