I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
