Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
