Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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