i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
