so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
