i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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