is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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