I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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