I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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