i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
