matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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