I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I would ride that face into the sunset
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
