ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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