i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
