so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
even my farts smell like vagina
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
