i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Found your dick twin last night
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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