I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
