You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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