i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
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