Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
