peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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