god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
