at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
