No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
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