I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
