If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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