If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
