you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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