I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
