This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
