How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
farters have to be the big spoon...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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