I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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